Posts Tagged With: humor
Used to have a crush on Dawn from En Vogue.
It’s not like honey dip would wanna get with me,
But just in case I own more condoms than TLC.
Phife Dawg, “Oh My God,” from A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Maruaders, 1993. Rest in forever peace, Malik Taylor, the rapper known as Phife Dawg, who died Wednesday at the age of 45. 1970-2016.
I’m so def, I need a hearing aid with an equalizer.
Big L, “Yes You May (Remix),” 1992
Why fuck with these cornball rappers when you can have the real thing?
Lord Finesse, “The Rhythm,” from Bas Blasta’s The Rhythm 12″, 1995. More from the L-O-R-D-F-I-N-E-double-S-E
I heard you rhyme a few times, each time you blew it.
You’re soft, you can’t go off, I knew it.
Let’s be realistic, I’m not egotistic;
But you, your crew…just not that artistic.
Point blank: your song stank.
I know you want the truth, so let’s be frank.
Chill Rob G, “Let the Words Flow,” Ride the Rhythm, 1989.
And when I smiled, ‘Bing!’ I almost blinded her.
She said, ‘Great Scot, are you a thief?
Seems like you have a mouth full of gold teeth!’
Hahahaha, had to find that funny,
So I said, ‘No child, I work hard for the money.
And calling me a thief? Please…don’t even try it,
Sit down, eat your slice of pizza, and be quiet.’
Slick Rick, “Mona Lisa,” The Great Adventures of Slick Rick, 1988
Whoever underestimated, still waited,
Pumping the radio, finally they played it.
You wondered how come the album was late?
I was giving you time to get the last one straight.
Rakim, “The R,” from Eric B. and Rakim’s Follow the Leader, 1988. More from Rakim Allah >
Before you try to fuck with Ren,
I’ll put two in your ass and you’ll be shittin’ a size 10.
MC Ren, “Real Niggaz,” from N.W.A.’s 100 Miles and Runnin’, 1990.
I bake your ass like a cake and all y’all flakes get frosted.
Kool G. Rap, “Death Threat,” from Brand New Heavies’ Heavy Rhyme Experience, Vol 1, 1992. More from the Kool Genius of Rap >
Brothers ain’t shit,
So don’t honk your horn, keep rolling.
No, I don’t wanna ride cause the shit might be stolen.
Anyway, I know your number:
You got a ‘Gas, Grass or Ass’ sticker on your bumper.
Roxanne Shante, “Brothers Ain’t Shit,” The Bitch is Back, 1992. Hear this song and other rap quotables on the RapQuote Mixcloud.
You know how it go when you got no dough:
Niggas goin out to party and you got no clothes.
And when you do get clothes, then you can’t go out
That’s the bullshit I’m talkin’ about.
Sean Price, “Mess You Made,” Jesus Price Supastar, 2007. More from Sean Price
I mastered The Art of War before a nigga read Sun Tzu,
Third degree black-belt, master of Gun-Fu.
Pop pills, smoke weed, even get drunk too;
And you do what you can, and I do what I want to.
Sean Price, “Like You,” Jesus Price Supastar, 2007. R.I.P! More from P!
Niggas’ rap albums sound like love letters,
Pen in my hand, like: damn, fam, I could do much better.
Sean Price, “Chewbacca,” from Random Axe, 2011. R.I.P!
My style is strong like hard lumber;
Cute chicks get the dick,
Ugly bitches get the wrong number.
Big L, “Who Shot Ya Freestyle,” from Tim Westwood’s radio show, 1997. More from Harlem’s finest…
I never gave a rat’s ass or a flyin’ fuck…
Drivin’ drunk in a fire truck with the siren stuck,
Slammin’ the brakes, skiddin’ out cause the tires suck.
Went to pull you off my dick and got the pliers stuck.
You better run, cause I’m probably the only one
Crazy enough to shoot your ass with a knife and stab you with a gun.
Eminem, “5 Star Generals,” from Shabaam Sahdeeq’s Sound Clash / 5 Star Generals 12″, 1998. More from Em…
Now Joe wanna be like Bob,
Bob got it goin’ on with no job.
And everything Rob got he got from Robin,
And everything she got, she got ho-hoppin’.
My girl Jilly wanna be like Jackie,
Fat rope chains and I think that’s wick-wacky.
Tom and Dick wanna be like Harry,
Little do they know he’s bitin’ on Barry…
Salt, “Expression,” from Salt-N-Pepa’s Blacks’ Magic, 1990
Want to know my occupation, home location, and means of transportation?
The correct combination unlocked your placenta…
I got a cellular phone with a rubber antenna,
And a 3-story house, drive a 4-door Ac.
Favorite song of all time? Mobb Deep’s ‘Hit It From the Back’
Ras Kass, “Drama,” Soul on Ice, 1996. More from Ras Kass…
I don’t know why y’all so highly regarded;
You rhyme like you’re borderline mildly retarded.
Royce da 5′9″, “You Should Know,” from Royce & DJ Premier’s PRhyme, 2014.
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue
From a razor in a paper cup.
I hope every soda you drink’s already shaken up.
I hope your dreams dry like raisins in the baking sun.
I hope your titties’ all saggy in your early 20s.
I hope there’s always snow in your driveway.
I hope you never get off Fridays…
And you work at a Friday’s that’s always busy on Fridays.
Chance the Rapper, “Baby Blue,” from Action Bronson’s Mr. Wonderful, 2015. More from Chance…
I’m just a bastard with a bad habit,
Bad back, in a black Volkswagen Rabbit
…Shit, I gotta have it.
Black magic woman put a spell on me;
Fuck around and win a spelling bee.
I could walk under ladders, still win the lotto.
Ten minutes flat: built a boat in a bottle.
Action Bronson, “Galactic Love,” Mr. Wonderful, 2015. More from Bronsolini…
You see y’all got it all wrong like women in tuxedos,
And comin’ up shorter than five Danny DeVitos.
I’m on a cool ranch…get laid more than Fritos,
With five strippers, four wives and three amigos.
I go scuba divin’ in Bays at Montego,
I find gold links and snatch ‘em like I’m Deebo.
But I’m the light-skindeded version of Mandingo,
I’ve seen more Beatles and Jagged Edges than Ringo,
I used to run numbers in line they called me ‘Bingo.’
Ludacris, “Coming 2 America,” Word of Mouf, 2001. More from Luda…
…That’s when you start to stare at who’s in the mirror,
And see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrassed.
And I got nothin’ to do but make you look stupid as parents,
You fuckin’ do-gooders; too bad you couldn’t do good at marriage!
Eminem, “Renegade,” from Jay-Z’s The Blueprint, 2001
Classical slap-stick rappers need Chapstick.
MF Doom, “Rhymes Like Dimes,” Operation: Doomsday!, 1999
My first name must be “He Ain’t Shit”
Cause every time I’m in a car
Bitches be like, “He ain’t shit!”
Redman, “I’ll Bee Dat!”, Doc’s Da Name 2000, 1998
I’ll ignore you sellin crack, killin people, and keepin it real,
But disrespect me and my adopted fam and die young like veal.
El-P, “89.9 Detrimental,” from Company Flow’s Funcrusher Plus, 1997
Wrote this lyric from in the bed wit’ a chick
She had the tightest grip around the head of my…
…Bic. Now, can I get my pen back?
MF Doom, “Batty-Boys,” Born Like This, 2009. More quotes from MF Doom…
How you looking like beef jerky, beefing in every verse,
But never beefing in person? Randy Savage.
You wouldn’t snap a Slim Jim,
You wouldn’t rip a wrapping on Christmas in Santa’s attic
With the hands of Eddie Scissors…ain’t you average?
Royce Da 5’9", “Courtesy,” from Royce and DJ Premier’s PRhyme, 2014.
I got Soul Power, never took a cold shower,
Never had a girlfriend the color of cooking flour.
J-Ro, “Make Room,” from Tha Alkaholiks’ 21 and Over, 1993. More from Tha Liks…
My mic is a Magnum.
See me and this chick, we go back like Cro-Magnon.
Man…we did it in the back of your Magnum;
I said, ‘Put them Lifestyles back, give me the Magnums.’
Pharoahe Monch, “Rap Life,” from Diamond D’s The Diam Piece, 2014. More lyrics from Pharoahe Monch…
Thought kissin’ ass was in my blood type? Oh, negative.
Phonte, “Raw Life,” from Foreign Exchange’s Connected, 2004. More from Phonte…
Spottin’ fools frontin’ fly, girls act material.
…You live at home with your mom.
Dr. Dooom aka Kool Keith, “You Live at Home with Your Mom,” First Come, First Served, 1999. More Kool Keith lyrics…
I had a church girl, quiet girl…one girl was rich.
The most memorable girl was a Gangsta Bitch.
We went out a lot, sometimes we dressed the same,
Lickin’ shots in the park and had pet names:
I called her ‘Dollars’ cause that’s what she liked to spend;
She called me ‘Diamond’ cause my dick was her best friend.
Apache, “Gangsta Bitch,” Apache Ain’t Shit, 1993
Now who done passed you a diaper and got you thinkin’ you the shit?
Mad Skillz, “The Jam,” From Where???, 1996
Girls, don’t run that shit that beauty’s only skin deep,
Cause I don’t want no girl with a Brillo face,
Or the type that’ll leave Jheri Curl juice on my pillow case.
Lord Finesse, “I Like My Girls With a Boom,” Return of the Funky Man, 1992. More Lord Finesse quotes…
I’m a cold winter morning, y’all Summer’s Eve.
Ka, “Knighthood,” Night’s Gambit, 2013. More from Brownsville’s Ka…
Life is real, reality is not a dream.
Those who chose to sleep…I wake em up,
Cause you’re sleepin with your mouth open hummin deez nuts.
King Sun, “Humm Deez Nuts,” Strictly Ghetto EP, 1994. More King Sun quotes…
This is for my bitches in the shelters that don’t need shelter, you just doin’ that shit for a crib.
And all my bad little bitches, when your baby father hits you, stick a ice cold knife in his ribs.
And all my bitches pimp the system, get your WIC, tell your workers, “Fuck that,” you gon’ have more kids.
And you ain’t have ‘em cause you need ’em, but now you gotta feed em, so you figure that your ass gon’ strip.
Panchi, “Stretch Marks and Cigarette Burns,” from Blaq Poet’s The Blaqprint, 2009
When I hit the bong
I’m Godzilla takin’ over Hong Kong
Eatin’ wonton with a shotgun in long johns.
Redman, “Dunfiato,” 2014. More quotes from tha Funk Doc himself, Reggie Noble…
Save your wack rhymes, hold your female.
Pass the Old Gold, trash the ale.
Cash your food stamps, get the WIC out the mail.
Love to eat shrimps, but I never eat snail,
Eat a whole fish except for the tail.
Keep food in the fridge so it don’t get stale,
And when there’s nothing to eat…I bite my nails.
Big Daddy Kane, “On the Bugged Tip,” Long Live the Kane, 1988. More ill quotes from the King Asiatic Nobody’s Equal…
Haters wanna ball, let me tighten up my draw string.
Wrong sport, boy, you know you’re as soft as a lacrosse team.
Jay-Z, “They Don’t Love You No More,” from DJ Khaled’s I Changed A Lot, 2014. Another Drake jab from Hov, ha.
Once I slapped a rapper with mace,
Then I spit acid in his face, after he rinsed his eyes, no wait…
I actually grew five times my size, grabbed Ma$e by the thigh and slapped a rapper with him.
Pharoahe Monch, “Rapid Eye Movement,” PTSD, 2014. More Pharoahe Monch quotes…
The IRS’ll never sweat me or even put up a fight…
Cause I’m sure I’ve paid more in taxes than you’ve made in yo’ life!
Ludacris, “Large Amounts,” The Red Light District, 2004. More Ludacris quotes…
Whatcha gonna do to this?
You may be older than me, but you’re new to this.
Cause I been out there, queen of MC’s,
When your man was walkin’ round in mocknecks and Lee’s.
While you were over here perpetratin’ a fraud,
I was overseas on the charts with Boy George.
You’re the beginner, Shante’s the winner,
Havin’ other competition for dinner.
Sit you on the table with a plate and cup,
Say grace…and then eat your ass up.
Roxanne Shanté, “Go On Girl,” from Colors Soundtrack, 1988
Sorry, Mrs. Drizzy, for so much art talk;
Silly me rappin’ ‘bout shit that I really bought.
While these rappers rap about guns they ain’t shot,
And a bunch of other silly shit that they ain’t got.
Jay-Z, “We Made It,” 2014
I never boned a honey that I didn’t like,
I never saw a mile that I couldn’t hike.
I never had a spliff to make me choke,
I never had a pocket that was broke.
Dres, “Flavor of the Month,” from Black Sheep’s A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing, 1991
Unpredictable, liable to flip my lid…
My moms dropped me on my head when I was a kid.
Back then I lost all my marbles, today I lost my job,
So in essence, it’s Armageddon, somebody’s bound to get robbed!
Sticky Fingaz, “Shiftee,” from Onyx’s Bacdafucup, 1993. More Onyx quotes…
I be tossin’, enforcin’, my style is awesome.
I’m causin’ more Family Feuds than Richard Dawson.
And the survey said: “You’re dead.”
Fatal Flying Guillotine chops off your fuckin’ head!
RZA, “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ Wit,” from Wu-Tang Clan’s Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), 1993. More RZA quotes…
If I don’t got two balls and a middle finger to throw up,
I’m takin off both shoes and stickin each middle toe up.
Eminem, “The Last Hit,” from The High & Mighty’s Home Field Advantage, 1999. More Eminem quotes…
My mind’s my 9, my pen’s my Mac-10.
My target? All you wack niggaz who started rappin’.
The Notorious B.I.G., “Player’s Anthem,” from Junior M.A.F.I.A.’s Conspiracy, 1995. More Biggie quotes…
Of course I’m funky like fat people having intercourse.
Basically, the funk is stuck in your teeth…so get the dental floss.
Redman, “Freak Out,” from Erick Sermon’s Double or Nothing, 1995. More from Redman…