I’m puttin’ pressure on you kids like I’m a soccer mom.
Vinnie Paz, “Design in Malice,” from Jedi Mind Tricks’ Violence Begets Violence, 2011
Posts Tagged With: humor
Player haters be givin’ me harsh looks,
But I’m tryin to sell records like Garth Brooks.
Big L, “Holdin’ It Down,” The Big Picture, 2000
You gotta school these young macks comin’ up today…
I mean to be ‘frank’, they just hot dogs,
The girls are relish, and they need to catchup on they pimpin’.
Big Daddy Kane, “Nightshift,” from Positive K’s The Skills Dat Pay Da Bills, 1992
Never been to Sesame Street but I flip a Big Bird.
And I know “stealers” and they not from Pittsburgh…
Cam’Ron, “357,” Confessions of Fire, 1998
And while you was bangin on tables, I was bangin Snow White.
Parrish Smith, “Rampage”, from EPMD’s Business as Usual, 1991
Abraham Lincoln got shot and died,
Freed the slaves so they put him on the five.
Too $hort, “Money In The Ghetto,” Get In Where You Fit In, 1993
You just met me, you won’t let me…
Well if I couldn’t have it, silly rabbit, why you sweating me?
2Pac, “I Get Around,” Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z., 1993
I got lots of love for my crew, that is;
No love for them other crews and rival kids.
All them out-of-town niggas know what time it is,
And if they don’t? They need to buy a watch, word up.
Prodigy, “Just Step,” from Mobb Deep’s The Infamous, 1995. More from Mobb Deep.
I use a pick in my hair without force.
You use a lawn mower–you got peat moss.
Large Professor, “He Got So Much Soul (He Don’t Need No Music),” from Main Source’s Breaking Atoms, 1991
Now who done passed you a diaper and got you thinkin’ you the shit?
Mad Skillz, “The Jam,” From Where???, 1996
I seen her on the ave, spotted her more than once.
Ass so fat that you could see it from the front…
Mos Def, “Ms. Fat Booty,” Black on Both Sides, 1999
I smoked with a lot of college students…
Most of em wasn’t graduatin, and they knew it.
Redman, “Whateva Man,” Muddy Waters, 1996
Run from the police, picture that,
Nigga I’m too fat…
I fuck around and catch a asthma attack.
Notorious B.I.G., “Runnin’ (Dying to Live)”, from Tupac Resurrection soundtrack, 2003, RIP Biggie Smalls
You ask me, “Did I like Arsenio?”
About as much as the Bicentennial.
Ice Cube, “The Nigga You Love To Hate,” from AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted, 1990
Said she loved my necklace, started relaxin’.
Now that’s what the fuck I call a chain reaction!
Jay-Z, “Money Ain’t a Thang,” from Jermaine Dupri’s Life in 1472, 1998
I never let the worst things in life get the best of me.
So take these testes and, ummm…open sesame.
King Sun, “Humm Deez Nuts,” Strictly Ghetto EP, 1994
You’re out of luck like two dogs stuck.
Ghostface Killah, “4th Chamber,” from GZA’s Liquid Swords, 1995
I’m on some satanic shit, strictly.
Little kids be wakin up cryin, yellin,
‘Mommy, Big L is comin to get me!’
Big L, “Danger Zone,” Lifestylez Ov Da Poor & Dangerous, 1995
I’m from back then, bro, when the phrase was “fresh.”
…When Michael Jackson’s nose looked like KRS.
Breeze Brewin, “30 Something,” from The Juggaknots’ Use Your Confusion, 2006
I’m hooked on gin and tonics like your mama’s Hooked on Phonics
Tash, “Make Room,” from Tha Alkaholiks’ 21 & Over, 1993
You ain’t a gangsta, you a bitch with a beat.
Rhymefest, “More,” Blue Collar, 2006
When I die, bury me butt naked and face down in the grass
So I can fuck the world while y’all kiss my ass
Ras Kass, “Bentleys & Bitches,” from Beatminerz Brace 4 Impak, 2001
You can’t take the heat, get ya ass out the kitchen
Matter fact, take ya ass back in there and wash the dishes
Royce Da 5’9", “Deadly Melody,” from Black Milk’s Album of the Year, 2010
Killer Mike (Run the Jewels) • “Oh Mama” • RTJ3 • 2016
I smoke the holy herb, get high as hell and meditate.
Swear to God, shit’s so good…fat boy’ll levitate.
God’s gift to man, how the fuck they try to legislate?
Mom’s, she recovering, tell me I overmedicate.
I tell her, “Holy fuck, Jesus Christ, give me a fucking break!”
She said, “Don’t curse your mama, goddammit,” and threw a dinner plate.
Killer Mike, “Oh Mama,” from Run the Jewel’s RTJ3, 2016
Eminem • “Renegade” • 2001
…That’s when you start to stare at who’s in the mirror,
And see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrassed.
And I got nothin’ to do but make you look stupid as parents,
You fuckin’ do-gooders; too bad you couldn’t do good at marriage!
Eminem, “Renegade,” from Jay-Z’s The Blueprint, 2001
LL Cool J • “My Rhyme Ain’t Done” • 1987
I took a little trip into a deck of cards:
The Diamond Jack, Joker and the Ace of Spades
Was amazed at greater Cut Creator on the fade.
Then I played cards with the Queen of Clubs,
The Queen of Hearts with me cold fell in love.
As for the Queen of Diamonds, she don’t like men…
Because you know that a diamond is a girl’s best friend.
The double-trouble Spade was named the Deuce,
And the Joker acted stupid, so we gave him the news.
There was 52 cards, and I met everyone
That story is over, but my rhyme ain’t done.
LL Cool J, “My Rhyme Ain’t Done,” Bigger and Deffer, 1987
Redman • “Da Ill Out” • 1996
I’m sautéing emcees with fried rice up in the wok without the MSG and chopped celery.
– Redman, “Da Ill Out,” Muddy Waters, 1996
Used to have a crush on Dawn from En Vogue.
It’s not like honey dip would wanna get with me,
But just in case I own more condoms than TLC.
Phife Dawg, “Oh My God,” from A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Maruaders, 1993. Rest in forever peace, Malik Taylor, the rapper known as Phife Dawg, who died Wednesday at the age of 45. 1970-2016.
I’m so def, I need a hearing aid with an equalizer.
Big L, “Yes You May (Remix),” 1992
Why fuck with these cornball rappers when you can have the real thing?
Lord Finesse, “The Rhythm,” from Bas Blasta’s The Rhythm 12″, 1995. More from the L-O-R-D-F-I-N-E-double-S-E
I heard you rhyme a few times, each time you blew it.
You’re soft, you can’t go off, I knew it.
Let’s be realistic, I’m not egotistic;
But you, your crew…just not that artistic.
Point blank: your song stank.
I know you want the truth, so let’s be frank.
Chill Rob G, “Let the Words Flow,” Ride the Rhythm, 1989.
And when I smiled, ‘Bing!’ I almost blinded her.
She said, ‘Great Scot, are you a thief?
Seems like you have a mouth full of gold teeth!’
Hahahaha, had to find that funny,
So I said, ‘No child, I work hard for the money.
And calling me a thief? Please…don’t even try it,
Sit down, eat your slice of pizza, and be quiet.’
Slick Rick, “Mona Lisa,” The Great Adventures of Slick Rick, 1988
Whoever underestimated, still waited,
Pumping the radio, finally they played it.
You wondered how come the album was late?
I was giving you time to get the last one straight.
Rakim, “The R,” from Eric B. and Rakim’s Follow the Leader, 1988. More from Rakim Allah >
Before you try to fuck with Ren,
I’ll put two in your ass and you’ll be shittin’ a size 10.
MC Ren, “Real Niggaz,” from N.W.A.’s 100 Miles and Runnin’, 1990.
I bake your ass like a cake and all y’all flakes get frosted.
Kool G. Rap, “Death Threat,” from Brand New Heavies’ Heavy Rhyme Experience, Vol 1, 1992. More from the Kool Genius of Rap >
Brothers ain’t shit,
So don’t honk your horn, keep rolling.
No, I don’t wanna ride cause the shit might be stolen.
Anyway, I know your number:
You got a ‘Gas, Grass or Ass’ sticker on your bumper.
Roxanne Shante, “Brothers Ain’t Shit,” The Bitch is Back, 1992. Hear this song and other rap quotables on the RapQuote Mixcloud.
You know how it go when you got no dough:
Niggas goin out to party and you got no clothes.
And when you do get clothes, then you can’t go out
That’s the bullshit I’m talkin’ about.
Sean Price, “Mess You Made,” Jesus Price Supastar, 2007. More from Sean Price
I mastered The Art of War before a nigga read Sun Tzu,
Third degree black-belt, master of Gun-Fu.
Pop pills, smoke weed, even get drunk too;
And you do what you can, and I do what I want to.
Sean Price, “Like You,” Jesus Price Supastar, 2007. R.I.P! More from P!
Niggas’ rap albums sound like love letters,
Pen in my hand, like: damn, fam, I could do much better.
Sean Price, “Chewbacca,” from Random Axe, 2011. R.I.P!
My style is strong like hard lumber;
Cute chicks get the dick,
Ugly bitches get the wrong number.
Big L, “Who Shot Ya Freestyle,” from Tim Westwood’s radio show, 1997. More from Harlem’s finest…
I never gave a rat’s ass or a flyin’ fuck…
Drivin’ drunk in a fire truck with the siren stuck,
Slammin’ the brakes, skiddin’ out cause the tires suck.
Went to pull you off my dick and got the pliers stuck.
You better run, cause I’m probably the only one
Crazy enough to shoot your ass with a knife and stab you with a gun.
Eminem, “5 Star Generals,” from Shabaam Sahdeeq’s Sound Clash / 5 Star Generals 12″, 1998. More from Em…
Now Joe wanna be like Bob,
Bob got it goin’ on with no job.
And everything Rob got he got from Robin,
And everything she got, she got ho-hoppin’.
My girl Jilly wanna be like Jackie,
Fat rope chains and I think that’s wick-wacky.
Tom and Dick wanna be like Harry,
Little do they know he’s bitin’ on Barry…
Salt, “Expression,” from Salt-N-Pepa’s Blacks’ Magic, 1990
Want to know my occupation, home location, and means of transportation?
The correct combination unlocked your placenta…
I got a cellular phone with a rubber antenna,
And a 3-story house, drive a 4-door Ac.
Favorite song of all time? Mobb Deep’s ‘Hit It From the Back’
Ras Kass, “Drama,” Soul on Ice, 1996. More from Ras Kass…
I don’t know why y’all so highly regarded;
You rhyme like you’re borderline mildly retarded.
Royce da 5′9″, “You Should Know,” from Royce & DJ Premier’s PRhyme, 2014.
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue
From a razor in a paper cup.
I hope every soda you drink’s already shaken up.
I hope your dreams dry like raisins in the baking sun.
I hope your titties’ all saggy in your early 20s.
I hope there’s always snow in your driveway.
I hope you never get off Fridays…
And you work at a Friday’s that’s always busy on Fridays.
Chance the Rapper, “Baby Blue,” from Action Bronson’s Mr. Wonderful, 2015. More from Chance…
I’m just a bastard with a bad habit,
Bad back, in a black Volkswagen Rabbit
…Shit, I gotta have it.
Black magic woman put a spell on me;
Fuck around and win a spelling bee.
I could walk under ladders, still win the lotto.
Ten minutes flat: built a boat in a bottle.
Action Bronson, “Galactic Love,” Mr. Wonderful, 2015. More from Bronsolini…
You see y’all got it all wrong like women in tuxedos,
And comin’ up shorter than five Danny DeVitos.
I’m on a cool ranch…get laid more than Fritos,
With five strippers, four wives and three amigos.
I go scuba divin’ in Bays at Montego,
I find gold links and snatch ‘em like I’m Deebo.
But I’m the light-skindeded version of Mandingo,
I’ve seen more Beatles and Jagged Edges than Ringo,
I used to run numbers in line they called me ‘Bingo.’
Ludacris, “Coming 2 America,” Word of Mouf, 2001. More from Luda…
…That’s when you start to stare at who’s in the mirror,
And see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrassed.
And I got nothin’ to do but make you look stupid as parents,
You fuckin’ do-gooders; too bad you couldn’t do good at marriage!
Eminem, “Renegade,” from Jay-Z’s The Blueprint, 2001
Classical slap-stick rappers need Chapstick.
MF Doom, “Rhymes Like Dimes,” Operation: Doomsday!, 1999
My first name must be “He Ain’t Shit”
Cause every time I’m in a car
Bitches be like, “He ain’t shit!”
Redman, “I’ll Bee Dat!”, Doc’s Da Name 2000, 1998