I don’t know what’s better: getting laid or getting paid.
I just know when I’m getting one, the other’s getting away.
Kanye West, “This Way,” from Dilated Peoples’ Neighborhood Watch, 2004
Posts Tagged With: humor
You stackin cheddar cause you working at the burger place.
Inspectah Deck, “It’s Raw,” CZARFACE, 2013
You can tell by the rhyme it’s my time to shine;
Let’s eat, motherfucker, I don’t dine on swine.
I don’t beef with turkeys, I told you the God’ll fold you,
Hard to digest: I suggest that you take tofu.
Sean Price, “Like You,” Jesus Price Superstar, 2007
Couldn’t you see me and you stretched out in a bikini on the beach in Tahiti?
See, me, I’m very selective even though I could be greedy;
My main objective is to write our names together in graffiti.
Pharoahe Monch, “Shugah Shorty,” from Organized Konfusion’s The Equinox, 1997
I’m givin’ more flat lines to niggas than loose-leaf.
Kool G. Rap, “Go For Your Guns,” from Kool G. Rap and DJ Polo’s Live and Let Die, 1992
I don’t get pat down, you know what’s on the waist,
I don’t mean Jazz when I say I “count base.”
Fly Louis sneakers, Purple Tape coming out the speakers,
Bumped into my high school teachers,
They said I wouldn’t be nothing, sitting on the bleachers.
Now I’m sitting in the Phantom, trynna figure out the features.
I’m a big fish now, I watch for the leeches.
Sheek Louch, “Pour tha Martini,” from Wu-Block, 2012
You got game like me? I doubt it.
They say pimping ain’t easy…what’s so hard about it?
A.G., “Fat for the 90’s,” from Lord Finesse’s Return of the Funky Man, 1992
Even when I say nothing, it’s a beautiful use of negative space.
El-P, “The Fire In Which You Burn,” from Company Flow’s Funcrusher Plus, 1997
My limo driver’s white, my attorney black…
‘Show me some love’ like I’m Bernie Mac.
Masta Ace, “Good Ol Love,” Long Hot Summer, 2004
Picture yourself crushin’ Xzibit with your tough talk?
That’s like Christopher Reeve doing the crip walk.
Xzibit, “3 Card Molly,” 40 Days and 40 Nightz, 1998
Wake up: all of that ‘crack in the street’ talk?
It’s made up, like ‘Jack and the Beanstalk.’
Sean Price, “Pyrex,” Mic Tyson, 2012
Put your hands where I can see ‘em, so they look like 12 PM
On the dot, see this Glock? Don’t make me give these shells freedom.
Elzhi, “Hands Up,” The Preface, 2008
You know that one auntie, you don’t wanna be rude,
…But every holiday, nobody eatin’ her food.
Kanye West, “Family Business,” The College Dropout, 2004
Age ain’t nothing but a number, that’s what Chi-Ali said.
OK, then why don’t you get that through the judge’s head?
Biz Markie, “Young Girl Bluez,” All Samples Cleared!, 1993
You can do all them push-ups to pump up your chest,
I got a 12 gauge Mossberg to pump up your chest,
Have you gasping for air after that shell hit your vest.
Fear me like you fear God, ‘cause I bring death.
50 Cent, “We All Die One Day,” from Obie Trice’s Cheers, 2003
If you’re having world problems, I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems, but a Mitt ain’t one.
Jay-Z, “99 Problems,” from Barack Obama campaign rally in Columbus, Ohio, 2012. Voter Info (Google)
Little brats yellin ‘Trick or Treat’ all through my screen door,
When y’all should be at home sleep,
Instead of at my front porch 15 deep.
The jack o’ lantern came in handy…
I can turn my porch light out like I ain’t got no candy.
But ain’t that somethin?
You buy a Halloween costume and a pumpkin,
Almost gave your children a heart attack.
It’s a tradition, but who the hell started that?
Kam, “Holiday Madness,” Neva Again, 1993
People say, ‘Grimm, you’ve been shot like 50.
So why don’t you just rhyme like 50?
Then, you could get the money like 50,
Otherwise, before you see success…you’ll be 50.’
MF Grimm, “Boing,” American Hunger, 2006
Footballs, basketballs, microphones, gas and grass…
Just some of the few things that J-Ro likes to pass.
J-Ro of Tha Alkaholiks, “Freestyle Ghetto,” from King Tee’s IV Life, 1995
Your new CD is a weed plate, nothin’ but love songs,
100% pure garbage, just something to break up buds on.
Jadakiss, “Checkmate,” 12", 2005
The God’s tropical…ladies call me ‘Black Fruit Punch.’
Ghostface Killah, “Ice Water,” from Raekwon’s Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, 1995
I bumped into Loon, he like ‘Well, As Salaam-Alaikum.’
You know I ain’t Muslim, my nigga, I’m about my bacon!
Ma$e, “Higher,” from Kanye West Presents G.O.O.D. Music: Cruel Summer, 2012
I scored 1.1 on my SAT,
And still push a whip with a right and left AC.
Redman, “Blackout,” from Method Man and Redman’s Blackout!, 1999
You’re a trivial part in a trivia game.
Now what’s your aim? A presidential campaign?
Like Ross Perot? He lost it though…
But he got a billion in tha bank fo’ sho’!
Aceyalone, “All Balls Don’t Bounce,” from All Balls Don’t Bounce, 1995
Now what Clan you know with lines this ill?
Bust shots at Big Ben, like we got time to kill.
Method Man, “Protect Ya Neck (The Jump Off),” from Wu-Tang Clan’s The W, 2000
You’s a nigga everybody diss, cause you can’t bust this,
You got a bad name like Dick Butkus.
J-Ro, “The Next Level,” from Tha Alkaholiks’ Coast II Coast, 1995
Putting styles on lock, and making beats by the bundle,
Scooping more props than Bryant Gumbel…and staying humble.
Pete Rock, “Escape,” from Pete Rock & CL Smooth’s The Main Ingredient, 1994
You’re mad cause my style you’re admiring…
Don’t be mad, UPS is hiring.
The Notorious B.I.G., “Flava In Ya Ear (Remix),” 12", 1994
I don’t like thugs, I don’t like nerds,
I don’t like myself and I hate bein’ disturbed.
Sean Price, “Critically Acclaimed,” from Statik Selektah’s 100 Proof (The Hangover), 2010
I want a girl with extensions in her hair,
Bamboo earrings, at least two pair,
A Fendi bag and a bad attitude,
That’s all I need to get me in a good mood.
She can walk with a switch and talk with street slang,
I love it when a woman ain’t scared to do her thing.
LL Cool J, “Around the Way Girl,” Mama Said Knock You Out, 1990
Once in awhile, I’mma cheat and get dome,
But best believe that I’mma always come home.
Shorty, I luv you.
Meyhem Lauren, “Let’s Hold Hands,” Respect The Fly Shit, 2012
Type to tote the glock and use gats…
You the type to vote Barack cause dude’s black.
Sean P, “Grown Man Palettes,” from Meyhem Lauren’s Respect The Fly Shit, 2012
Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns,
As I crush so-called Willies, thugs, and rapper-dons.
The Notorious B.I.G., “Kick in the Door,” Life After Death, 1997
Why’s my name the Large Professor?
Cause I milked your cow, in other words I hit your heifer.
Large Professor, “Live at the Barbecue,” from Main Source’s Breaking Atoms, 1991
Scared of a bunch of water? Then get out the rain.
Order a rapper for lunch, and spit out the chain.
MF Doom, “Sofa King,” from Danger Doom’s The Mouse and the Mask, 2005
And when I smiled, ‘Bing!’ I almost blinded her.
She said, ‘Great Scot, are you a thief?
Seems like you have a mouth full of gold teeth!’
Hahahaha, had to find that funny,
So I said, ‘No child, I work hard for the money.
And calling me a thief? Please…don’t even try it,
Sit down, eat your slice of pizza, and be quiet.’
Slick Rick, “Mona Lisa,” The Great Adventures of Slick Rick, 1988
I got a ill gift, I’m real swift
They be like, ‘Damn, he’s still rich.’
When I send my Men in Black,
Listen, none of them niggas named Will Smith.
Cam’ron, “60 Rackz (Remix)”, 2012
I show more blind rage than Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles wrestling in a steel cage.
Chino XL, “Freestyle Rhymes,” Here to Save You All, 1996
I don’t like a girl that be hanging with a slut crew,
I can’t sport a female who’s crossed-eyed with a buck tooth.
I need a female I can sport when I’m outdoors.
I’m not choosy…I got a rep to look out for.
Lord Finesse, “I Like My Girls With a Boom,” Return of the Funky Man, 1992
EPMD in effect, I’m clockin’ mad green
Like Kermit the Frog, sloppy like Boss Hog,
Girl was runnin’ wild…ate her like a corn dog.
Parrish Smith, “Chill,” from EPMD’s Business Never Personal, 1992
Ayo, the arm bone connected to the hand bone,
Nigga, the hand bone connected to the damn chrome!
Sean P, “Don’t You Cross the Line,” from Boot Camp Clik’s The Last Stand, 2006
Fuck the car, I do a muthafuckin’ walk-by.
Eazy-E, “The Grand Finale,” from The D.O.C.’s No One Can Do It Better, 1989
Fuck a medic, we gon’ call yo ass a taxi cab,
Bleedin’ so hard you need a life-size maxi pad.
Ludacris, “We Got,” Chicken-N-Beer, 2003
You’re insecure and need a blanket like Linus.
King Sun, “It’s a Heat Up,” XL, 1989
Slim Shady: Hotter then a set of twin babies
In a Mercedes Benz, with the windows up
When the temp goes up to the mid 80’s.
Eminem, “Forgot About Dre,” The Chronic 2001, 1999
L is the rebel type, I’m rough as a metal pipe,
Fuck a Benz, cause I can pull skins on a pedal bike.
Big L, “Represent,” from Showbiz & A.G.’s Runaway Slave, 1992. Happy Bornday Big L, Rest in Peace.
Spam ain’t the move it’s imitation ham.
Ham is pork, and the pork is foul.
Kinda like a pig and that ain’t my style.
Milk Dee and King Ad Rock, “Spam,” from Milk Dee’s Never Dated EP, 1995
I got a funny feeling like something was real wrong…
Looked at her shoes and her feets was real long!
Then it hit me, Oh please God no,
Don’t let this ho turn out to be a John Doe…
He pulled a fast one on me, yo!
Fatlip, “Oh Shit,” The Pharcyde, Bizarre Ryde II The Pharcyde, 1993
Niggas running around fantasizing like they’re Peter Pan…
Your life’s a scam and I’mma fuck it up like Neverland.
MF Grimm, “Fame,” The Hunt for the Gingerbread Man, 2007