Why do I need ID to get ID?
If I had ID, I wouldn’t need ID.
Mos Def, “The Questions,” from Common’s Like Water for Chocolate, 2000
Posts Tagged With: humor
Rhymes so def, rhymes rhymes galore,
Rhymes that you’ve never even heard before.
Now if you say you heard my rhyme, we gonna have to fight,
‘Cause I just made the muthafuckas up last night!
Run, “Here We Go (Live at the Funhouse),” from Run-DMC’s Run-DMC, 1984
If you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck,
It just means that a million people are stupid as fuck.
Immortal Technique, “Industrial Revolution,” Revolutionary Vol. 2, 2003
I’m a street genius with a unique penis,
Got fly chicks on my dick that don’t even speak English.
Big L, “Da Graveyard,” Lifestylez Ov Da Poor & Dangerous, 1995
All I see is sissies in magazines smiling…
Whatever happened to wildin’ out and being violent?
Whatever happened to catching a good, old-fashioned, passionate ass whoopin’?
And getting your shoes, coat and your hat tooken?
Eminem, “Marshall Mathers,” The Marshall Mathers LP, 2000
My new shorty got a gymnastic back,
‘87 emerald green on a classic Jag.
She had the cleft palate, I ordered chef’s salad;
She had the club foot, with that little arm,
I couldn’t help but laugh…she ordered Chicken Parm.
Action Bronson, “NaNa,” from Chance The Rapper’s Acid Rap, 2013
They say that love is powerful as cough syrup and Styrofoam.
All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo
With the ugly Kardashian…
Lamar, oh, sorry. Yo, we done both set the bar low.
Eminem, “Berzerk,” The Marshall Mathers LP 2, 2013
What is competition? I’m tryna raise the bar high,
Who tryna jump and get it? You better off tryna skydive
Out the exit window of 5 G5’s with 5 grand
With your granddad as the pilot he drunk as fuck tryna land
With the hand full of arthritis and popping prosthetic leg
Bumpin Pac in the cockpit so the shit that pops in his head
Is an option of violence, someone heard the stewardess said
That your parachute is a latex condom hooked to a thread.
Kendrick Lamar, “Control,” from Big Sean’s Hall of Fame, 2013
I’ve seen niggas transform like villain Decepticons,
Mollies’ll prolly turn these niggas to fuckin’ Lindsay Lohan.
A bunch of rich ass white girls lookin’ for parties,
Playin with Barbies, wreck the Porsche before you give ‘em the car key.
Kendrick Lamar, “Control,” from Big Sean’s Hall of Fame, 2013
It seem like everybody dress tight now,
And I just want my credit.
Kanye West, “Gifted,” from N.A.S.A.’s The Spirit of Apollo, 2009
You can’t take the heat, get ya ass out the kitchen
Matter fact, take ya ass back in there and wash the dishes.
Royce Da 5’9", “Deadly Melody,” from Black Milk’s Album of the Year, 2010
I don’t mind you talkin shit, just keep it in the first person.
El-P, “89.9 Detrimental,” from Company Flow’s Funcrusher Plus, 1997
Nowadays, the game is all bugged out,
Phony, like back when Hammer tried to come thugged out.
MF Doom, “Foolish,“ from MF Grimm’s Downfall of Ibliys: A Ghetto Opera, 2002
Her dreams hold Versace,
She fall for Armani…
Only deal with rich niggas,
Fuck you and Mitt Romney.
Kendrick Lamar, “Memories Back Then,” Grand Hustle Presents: Hustle Gang, 2013
Lyrically, I’m supposed to represent;
I’m not only the client, I’m the player president.
The Notorious B.I.G., “One More Chance (Remix),” 12", 1995
Feds still lurking,
They see I’m still putting work in.
Cause somewhere in America…
Miley Cyrus is still twerkin’.
Jay-Z, “Somewhere In America,” Magna Carta Holy Grail, 2013
I drop styles on ears…the public bite ‘em.
Not many went to school, so the dummies wouldn’t write ’em.
They say, “Yo Keith! You’re Kool, you usin’ big words!”
I went to college, I’m even more stupid, herb.
Kool Keith, “Raise It Up,” from Ultramagnetic M.C.’s The Four Horsemen, 1993
Ooh! Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake ‘em.
I ain’t got none, but I’m planning on growing some.
Imagine all the Hebrews going dumb…
Dancing on top of chariots and turning tight ones.
E-40, “Tell Me When to Go,” My Ghetto Report Card, 2006
They claim we’re products from the bottom of Hell,
But the black is back, and it’s bound to sell.
Picture us coolin’ out on the Fourth of July…
And if you heard we were celebratin’, that’s a worldwide lie.
Flavor Flav, “Louder than a Bomb,” from Public Enemy’s It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, 1988
My heart is ‘We Are the World,’ my penis is P.E.
But my balls are Avatar, you could see ’em in 3D.
Pharoahe Monch, “Let U Live,” from Consequence’s Movies on Demand, 2010
I drink twenty forties, smoke forty blunts,
Say a hundred rhymes, and not sound like you once.
Dres, “Roll Wit Tha Flava,” from Flavor Unit’s Roll Wit Tha Flava, 1993
‘What you doing in the club on a Thursday?’
She say she only here for her girl birthday…
They ordered champagne but still look thirsty,
Rock Forever 21 but just turned 30.
Kanye West, “Bound 2,” Yeezus, 2013
All right, stop whatcha doin, cause I’m about to ruin
The image and the style that you’re used to.
Shock G. aka Humpty Hump, “The Humpty Dance,” from Digital Underground’s Sex Packets, 1990
Might go fuck a rapper’s life up like Mo’nique did to Precious.
Killer Mike, “Get It,” from Killer Mike and El-P’s Run the Jewels, 2013
I’m stuck in a time capsule when rappers’ actually factual;
Meaning: shit you spit might cause killers to come and clap at you.
Killer Mike, “Get It,” from Killer Mike and El-P’s Run the Jewels, 2013
Food for thought, eat my words with your mind:
Emcees are grapes, and grapes are crushed to wine.
MF Grimm, “Do It for the Kids,” 12", 1998
I can drink a whole Hennessy fifth.
Some call that a problem, but I call it a gift.
Xzibit, “Get Your Walk On,” Restless, 2000
I chop ‘em into salad and my name ain’t Caesar.
Black Thought, “@15,” from The Roots’ Rising Down, 2008
Step to this and get shanked up,
I knocked out so many teeth, the tooth fairy went bankrupt.
Big L, “Let ‘Em Have it L,” Lifestyles Ov Da Poor and Dangerous, 1995
‘You claim to be the man, you want me for a lover,
So you can do my girlfriends and my sister and my mother?’I said, ‘You’re very blunt,’ with quickness to the cue,
‘So whassup with your mother, does she look as good as you?’
Dres, “Similac Child,” from Black Sheep’s A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, 1991
My mama didn’t see it comin, my daddy was there.
What’s my excuse? Cartoons were the root.
Started with Yosemite Sam
With the gun in the palm of the hand,
What couldn’t I demand?
Pusha T, “Young Boy,” from The Clipse’s Lord Willin’, 2002
I don’t know what’s better: getting laid or getting paid.
I just know when I’m getting one, the other’s getting away.
Kanye West, “This Way,” from Dilated Peoples’ Neighborhood Watch, 2004
You stackin cheddar cause you working at the burger place.
Inspectah Deck, “It’s Raw,” CZARFACE, 2013
You can tell by the rhyme it’s my time to shine;
Let’s eat, motherfucker, I don’t dine on swine.
I don’t beef with turkeys, I told you the God’ll fold you,
Hard to digest: I suggest that you take tofu.
Sean Price, “Like You,” Jesus Price Superstar, 2007
Couldn’t you see me and you stretched out in a bikini on the beach in Tahiti?
See, me, I’m very selective even though I could be greedy;
My main objective is to write our names together in graffiti.
Pharoahe Monch, “Shugah Shorty,” from Organized Konfusion’s The Equinox, 1997
I’m givin’ more flat lines to niggas than loose-leaf.
Kool G. Rap, “Go For Your Guns,” from Kool G. Rap and DJ Polo’s Live and Let Die, 1992
I don’t get pat down, you know what’s on the waist,
I don’t mean Jazz when I say I “count base.”
Fly Louis sneakers, Purple Tape coming out the speakers,
Bumped into my high school teachers,
They said I wouldn’t be nothing, sitting on the bleachers.
Now I’m sitting in the Phantom, trynna figure out the features.
I’m a big fish now, I watch for the leeches.
Sheek Louch, “Pour tha Martini,” from Wu-Block, 2012
You got game like me? I doubt it.
They say pimping ain’t easy…what’s so hard about it?
A.G., “Fat for the 90’s,” from Lord Finesse’s Return of the Funky Man, 1992
Even when I say nothing, it’s a beautiful use of negative space.
El-P, “The Fire In Which You Burn,” from Company Flow’s Funcrusher Plus, 1997
My limo driver’s white, my attorney black…
‘Show me some love’ like I’m Bernie Mac.
Masta Ace, “Good Ol Love,” Long Hot Summer, 2004
Picture yourself crushin’ Xzibit with your tough talk?
That’s like Christopher Reeve doing the crip walk.
Xzibit, “3 Card Molly,” 40 Days and 40 Nightz, 1998
Wake up: all of that ‘crack in the street’ talk?
It’s made up, like ‘Jack and the Beanstalk.’
Sean Price, “Pyrex,” Mic Tyson, 2012
Put your hands where I can see ‘em, so they look like 12 PM
On the dot, see this Glock? Don’t make me give these shells freedom.
Elzhi, “Hands Up,” The Preface, 2008
You know that one auntie, you don’t wanna be rude,
…But every holiday, nobody eatin’ her food.
Kanye West, “Family Business,” The College Dropout, 2004
Age ain’t nothing but a number, that’s what Chi-Ali said.
OK, then why don’t you get that through the judge’s head?
Biz Markie, “Young Girl Bluez,” All Samples Cleared!, 1993
You can do all them push-ups to pump up your chest,
I got a 12 gauge Mossberg to pump up your chest,
Have you gasping for air after that shell hit your vest.
Fear me like you fear God, ‘cause I bring death.
50 Cent, “We All Die One Day,” from Obie Trice’s Cheers, 2003
If you’re having world problems, I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems, but a Mitt ain’t one.
Jay-Z, “99 Problems,” from Barack Obama campaign rally in Columbus, Ohio, 2012. Voter Info (Google)
Little brats yellin ‘Trick or Treat’ all through my screen door,
When y’all should be at home sleep,
Instead of at my front porch 15 deep.
The jack o’ lantern came in handy…
I can turn my porch light out like I ain’t got no candy.
But ain’t that somethin?
You buy a Halloween costume and a pumpkin,
Almost gave your children a heart attack.
It’s a tradition, but who the hell started that?
Kam, “Holiday Madness,” Neva Again, 1993
People say, ‘Grimm, you’ve been shot like 50.
So why don’t you just rhyme like 50?
Then, you could get the money like 50,
Otherwise, before you see success…you’ll be 50.’
MF Grimm, “Boing,” American Hunger, 2006
Footballs, basketballs, microphones, gas and grass…
Just some of the few things that J-Ro likes to pass.
J-Ro of Tha Alkaholiks, “Freestyle Ghetto,” from King Tee’s IV Life, 1995