Ayo, the arm bone connected to the hand bone,
Nigga, the hand bone connected to the damn chrome!
Sean P, “Don’t You Cross the Line,” from Boot Camp Clik’s The Last Stand, 2006
Posts Tagged With: humor
Fuck the car, I do a muthafuckin’ walk-by.
Eazy-E, “The Grand Finale,” from The D.O.C.’s No One Can Do It Better, 1989
Fuck a medic, we gon’ call yo ass a taxi cab,
Bleedin’ so hard you need a life-size maxi pad.
Ludacris, “We Got,” Chicken-N-Beer, 2003
You’re insecure and need a blanket like Linus.
King Sun, “It’s a Heat Up,” XL, 1989
Slim Shady: Hotter then a set of twin babies
In a Mercedes Benz, with the windows up
When the temp goes up to the mid 80’s.
Eminem, “Forgot About Dre,” The Chronic 2001, 1999
L is the rebel type, I’m rough as a metal pipe,
Fuck a Benz, cause I can pull skins on a pedal bike.
Big L, “Represent,” from Showbiz & A.G.’s Runaway Slave, 1992. Happy Bornday Big L, Rest in Peace.
Spam ain’t the move it’s imitation ham.
Ham is pork, and the pork is foul.
Kinda like a pig and that ain’t my style.
Milk Dee and King Ad Rock, “Spam,” from Milk Dee’s Never Dated EP, 1995
I got a funny feeling like something was real wrong…
Looked at her shoes and her feets was real long!
Then it hit me, Oh please God no,
Don’t let this ho turn out to be a John Doe…
He pulled a fast one on me, yo!
Fatlip, “Oh Shit,” The Pharcyde, Bizarre Ryde II The Pharcyde, 1993
Niggas running around fantasizing like they’re Peter Pan…
Your life’s a scam and I’mma fuck it up like Neverland.
MF Grimm, “Fame,” The Hunt for the Gingerbread Man, 2007
I make chicks consider themselves widows whose husbands ain’t even died yet.
Chino XL, “How It Goes,” I Told You So, 2001
Put this in your CD-ROM:
www dot Canibus dot com.
You can find me on the Internet, talkin’ to chicks
That was sweatin’ me off the ‘Music Makes Me High’ remix.
I be talkin’ mad trash, tryin to get ’em to laugh.
See, if I click and drag long enough I’ll get the ass…
Canibus, “Making a Name For Ourselves,” from Common’s One Day It’ll All Make Sense, 1998
When I was born, my mama’s pussy had the new car smell.
Royce Da 5’9", “New Money,” Street Hop, 2009
And how ‘bout the non-blunt rollin’ females
That always fucks it up ’cause they don’t wanna break their Lee nails?
Redman, “How to Roll a Blunt,” Whut, Thee Album?, 1992
Shorty, let me tell you about my only vice:
It has to do with lots of lovin’, and it ain’t nuttin’ nice.
Q-Tip, “Electric Relaxation,” from A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Marauders, 1993
I’m like an eclipse on a Friday the 13th,
With black cats and Haley’s Comet,
Blazin’ blunts in my driveway…
Redman, “Cosmic Slop,” Dare Iz a Darkside, 1994
Every night I pray to God: ‘Please, no more wack MC’s.’
J-Ro, “Likwit,” from Tha Alkaholiks’ 21 and Over, 1993
Shakespeare’s gone, don’t even think about it.
Dr. Octagon, “Blue Flowers,” Dr. Octagonecologyst, 1996
Tell ya mama to stop flirtin’ boy, I’m not a good step-pop.
I interrupt your little session…and wreck shop.
Bumpy Knuckles, “GrEaTnEsS,” from DJ Premier and Bumpy Knuckles’ KoleXXXion, 2012
Look here: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems,” my ass.
You’s a naive cat if you still believe that.
Ol’ Dirty Bastard, “Pop Shots,” Osirus: The Official Mixtape, 2006
For what it’s worth, I’ve been a hip-hopper from birth.
Try to disrespect, and get your ass played up like a Smurf.
Large Professor, “Actual Facts,” from Lord Finesse’s The Awakening, 1996
Keep bustin about where you rest, and what you own, and what you drive.
So the day some niggaz come for you, I’m really not surprised.
Xzibit, “Three Card Molly,” 40 Dayz & 40 Nightz, 1999
I won’t say I’m the baddest, or portray that role,
But I’m in the top 2, and my father’s gettin’ old.
Big Daddy Kane, “Cause I Can Do It Right,” Taste of Chocolate, 1990
Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is;
I get more props and stunts than Bruce Willis.
Guru, “DWYCK,” from Gang Starr featuring Nice & Smooth DWYCK 12", 1994
Brothers ain’t half-steppin…they’re walking backwards.
A.G., “Back to Back Rhyming,” from Lord Finesse & DJ Mike Smooth’s Funky Technician, 1990
Some girls barely speak, but always askin’ for a dollar.
Big L, “No Endz, No Skinz,” Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous, 1995
I call wild niggas together like Cyrus,
And knock off more birds than the West Nile Virus.
Freddie Foxxx, “I Come to War,” 12", 2001
I admit skinz ain’t a reason to lose friends,
But then again I didn’t know. Sorry.
Casual, “I Didn’t Mean To,” Fear Itself, 1994
Nigga hit me on the Sidekick sayin’ he gon’ shoot me:
Soundin’ like a real groupie.
He a bitch with a heater like Lara Croft,
He gonna get his ass wet like Noah’s Ark.
Got the choppa won’t hesitate to squeeze,
Get his ass cut like a Whopper with Cheese.
Danny Brown, “LOL,” from Black Milk and Danny Brown’s Black and Brown, 2011
I like ‘em brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian.
Phife, “Electric Relaxation,” from A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Marauders, 1993
Ain’t no tellin’ what I’d do for a dollar…
I’m not your father, but guess what I’mma do to ya mama.
Sean P, “Murder,” from DJ JS-1’s No Sellout, 2009
I once caught a bid, I never hit skid,
Never date a girl if the girl got a kid.
Nahhh…papa’s got a brand new bag
And I never hit skinz once they sag.
Grand Puba, “Who Makes the Loot?” from Brand New Heavies’ Heavy Rhyme Experience Vol. 1, 1992
I call you once…you never dialed back.
Twice…you never dialed back.
Saturday morning, live, I’m on Soul Train, talkin’ to Don Cornelius.Saturday night, my phone rings…
Saturday night, I won’t answer.
Saturday night, my phone rings again…
Saturday night, I don’t answer.
Kool Keith, “Stop Jockin Me,” from Ultramagnetic MC’s Funk Your Head Up, 1992. Donald Cortez “Don” Cornelius (September 27, 1936 – February 1, 2012) Rest in peace.
When I hit the skins they all say, ‘Damn Kane…
You knock out the Bush like a presidential campaign!’
Big Daddy Kane, “How U Get a Record Deal?” Looks Like a Job For…, 1993
I’m from Jerz, the home of: “I could’ve swore I parked my car right here!”
Chino XL, “B-Boy Gangsta,” Poison Pen, 2006
You got a man? That’s somethin we will talk about.
He’s smart enough to have ya, but dumb enough to let ya out.
LL Cool J, “Mr. Goodbar,” Mama Said Knock You Out, 1990
Why is it a honey act like she don’t want to be bothered?
But after the tappin’, she yappin’ like she want her children fathered?
Breeze Brewin’, “Sex Type Thang,” from Juggaknots’ Clear Blue Skies (Re-Release), 2002
‘That buck that bought the bottle coulda struck the lotto.’
To invest in scratch tickets is a fucked up motto.
Reks, “Black Cream (The Negro Epidemic),” Grey Hairs, 2008
See, you’re out your mind tryin’ to face tha God.
Your rhyme is like an empty prison…a waste of bars.
Lord Finesse, Freestyle vs. Percee P, 2003. Video
I’m the ghetto Mr. Universe, call me Lou FerNEGRO,
I push a lot of iron, but I don’t do it in the gym tho.
Lil’ Fame, “Blasphemy (Blast 4 Me)” from M.O.P.’s SPARTA, 2011
And when it comes to gettin nookie, I’m not a rookie…
I got girls that make that chick Toni Braxton look like Whoopi.
Big L, “Put it On,” Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous, 1995 (via ninetynow)
Watch out for the medallion, my diamonds are reckless,
Feels like a midget is hangin from my necklace!
Ludacris, “Stand Up,” Chicken-N-Beer, 2003
Your white tee, well to me, looks like a nightgown;
Make your mama proud, take that thing two sizes down.
Andre 3000, “Walk It Out (Remix)”, from Unk’s Beat’n Down Yo Block!, 2006
If imitation is the greatest form of flattery,
Punk, don’t flatter me.
J-Ro, “Coast II Coast,” from Friday Soundtrack, 1995
Layin niggas so flat, homies think you plankin’,
Only realize you dead when the corpse start stankin’.
Ras Kass, “Holes in the Ozone,” F.I.L.A. (Fuck It, Lose It All), 2012
Used to have a crush on Dawn from En Vogue.
It’s not like honey dip would wanna get with me,
But just in case I own more condoms than TLC.
Phife Dawg, “Oh My God,” from A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Maruaders, 1993
It’s important to practice good hygiene,
At least if you wanna run with my team.
Del the Funky Homosapien, “If You Must,” Both Sides of the Brain, 2000
We shoppers, you bloggers.
If money talks, you mumblers.
You try it on, then take it off,
Then post a pic on your tumblrs.
Pusha T, “Peso Freestyle,” Fear Of God II: Let Us Pray, 2011
Golly, he’s just a pest and your worst best friend,
Who mend and rip space-time fabric like polyester blend.
MF Doom, “Biochemical Equation,” from Wu-Tang Meets Indie Culture, 2005
I’m puttin’ pressure on you kids like I’m a soccer mom.
Vinnie Paz, “Design in Malice,” from Jedi Mind Tricks’ Violence Begets Violence, 2011